got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
