she looked like the bat from fern gully.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
