Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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