If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The dick lei will go down in squad history
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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