the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
