i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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