Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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