Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
