Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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