found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
