my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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