my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Every concussion has its silver lining
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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