Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
