Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I want is dick and wine.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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