Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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