I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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