neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
