my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
