why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
