just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
