Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
