Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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