I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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