this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
