I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
