i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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