You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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