You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
