Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
