Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
