need another drink. this is the easiest way
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
