I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
