you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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