I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
