I just threw up on my dentist
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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