we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Say something about gay babies.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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