you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
