drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
