i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
