remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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