I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
