Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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