I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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