Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
