Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
