I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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