I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
