I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
