so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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