I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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