No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
