I wish I could teleport
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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