If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
